Conversations with my Co-Workers: Sharknado

While I was at work, I overheard two of my co-workers talking about this movie called Sharknado, and I was curious about what they were talking about. This is how the conversation went:

Co-worker 1: *Laughing* It's seriously soooo funny, because it's just that stupid!

Co-worker 2: Yeah, I've never seen it, but I love movies that are completely stupid, but they're somehow good because of how stupid they are.

Me: Wait, what are you guys talking about?

Co-worker 2: We're talking about this movie on the SyFy channel called Sharknado. Have you heard of it? 

Me: No. What is it about?

Co-Worker 1: It's a movie about a shark tornado.

Me: (Blank stare) *Long pause* Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Co-worker 1: I know! It sounds stupid. And it's not just stupid, it's so incredibly stupid that it's good.

Me: *Another long pause* Hmmm... Okay....

Co-worker 1: I know. But, I promise that it's so hilariously good, because it's just that stupid. I swear, this movie was made up by a bunch of drunk guys playing darts with random ideas on a dart board and a dart somehow hit shark and tornado, and they were all like, Sharknado!!! That would make an awesome movie! It's the type of thing where your insides go "EEEEEHH!" with joy, but your brain goes "SHUT UP!"

Me: Uh huh. No kidding! 

Have any of you seen Sharknado, or some other movie that is so stupid that it's good?

Diary of an Office Assistant: Part 2

Dear Diary,

The authorities decided to simultaneously issue a copious amount of tests for all of the accounting and management classes. Fifteen minutes prior to opening hours, a hoard of zombie accounting students waited for me to open the doors. I barely scraped by with my life fending off the undead from tearing me limb from limb and feasting on my brains. The tutor fared no better. Every single one of the zombies barraged him with questions while digging their claws into his fleshy skin. The books have seen better days. The hoard of zombies attacked the front desk all at once to get their claws on their second life source "knowledge." The information from the books and the tutor is their antidote to turn them back to human.

Their undead moans for "knowledge" and "help" to pass the dreaded exams is deafening. Concentrating is incredibly difficult for everyone within the parameters of the Accounting Lab. Any chance for me to ask the tutor to watch the desk so that I can take a bathroom break seems highly unlikely seeing as the undead are great in numbers. I will not be able to take a moment to vacate my bowels for the next few hours at the very least. My bladder feels like it's about to explode. The smell of the collective undead is unbearable. If this goes on any longer I will be forced to resort to burning down the Accounting Lab again.   

Diary Entry of an Office Assistant Part 1

Dear Diary,                                                                           

 The Authorities deemed it necessary to set the A/C to below freezing temperatures in the Accounting Lab today. The hoodie that I brought to keep me warm fails to ward away the chills. After failing to generate heat by curling up in a ball and shivering uncontrollably, I have resorted to using the frostbitten bodies of the students that have frozen to death as fuel for a fire. I pray that I won't join my frozen fellow students as a part of the newly formed legion of studentcicles before help arrives.

The Authorities have taken no action on this matter, for the Accounting Lab has no phone to tell them to turn the A/C down to a reasonable temperature. Some idiot decided it would be a bright idea to shut the door so that whatever heat was in the room wouldn't escape. I told that fool to keep the door open, but by the time he slammed the door shut icicles instantly formed around the door freezing everyone inside. We have tried to call for help, but the room is so isolated and the door is so thick that no one can hear our cries. If help doesn't arrive soon I will eventually freeze to death with everyone else. My spirit is breaking.

Eureka! The Town Where the Unliving Rise and Chase the Living

This weekend has been an interesting one of sorts. I had the opportunity to volunteer as a zombie in the Eureka Zombie 5K Race. Having the chance to dress up as a zombie and chase people around has been something I've always wanted to check off my bucket list. The zombie 5k in Eureka was the perfect way to do it, because for a measly fee of $8 I had my make-up done by make-up artists, I got a "free" meal, other than the racer's brains, I got a free T-shirt, and I had the chance to win up to $250 for either having the best costume, or the best performance. I was certain that I would win best costume, if it weren't for the undead nun with the baby coming out of her belly.

The zombie 5k had a bit of a rocky start though. Ammon and I arrived to the white building where we were supposed to register and get all zombiefied. We were there about an hour early so that we could get a chance to explore the ghost town and take pictures. It's a good thing that we were there early, because right when I came in, the make-up artists were already doing make up for a few people, and I overheard one of them say that they need to use the make-up sparingly because they were expecting at least 150 zombie volunteers that evening.

Zombified!

 

Mmmm...brains!!!

After I got my make-up done, Ammon and I ventured to find out where we needed to register. We asked one of the non-infected volunteers where to go. They told us to walk over to the registration booth next to the high school. We thought that it would just be a little jaunt down the street, but it turned out to be a one mile journey. We eventually arrived at the registration booth where I would join the undead and where Ammon would join the other non-infected volunteers. We signed the waiver, and expected to pick up our food vouchers there. Apparently, the make-up artists were supposed to give us our food vouchers at the white building. This event wasn't organized very well, because the make-up artists at the white building didn't know everything they were supposed to be doing, and nobody told Ammon where he was supposed to be stationed at and what needed to be done.

So, with grumbling bellies we made our way down to the white building where all of the zombies had congregated. There we grabbed our food vouchers to fill our empty bellies with whatever grub was being served by the food vendor across the street. I didn't know what they were going to feed us, so I came prepared with a small bag of pistachios to munch on just in case either of us needed the extra energy. I wasn't hungry when we arrived, because I ate a little snack before we left for Eureka, but apparently the two mile walk to the high school and back took more out of me than I anticipated. We stood in line with the other zombies, but our selection of food was less than appetizing. Since it was a 5k race, I expected an assortment of fruits, veggies, and granola to be offered for sustainable energy. What they offered the zombies and runners consisted of and assortment of homogenized, steroid pumped meats, mainly encased pig intestines called "hot dogs", pulled pork sandwiches, and "foods" of the non-animal kind, namely nachos made with fake yellow gooey cheese, and greasy chips. I scanned the table for whatever vegan friendly options were available. At first glance, the oily belly ache inducing Lays Chips were my only option. I took a second look. Wait...what's this? Pickles? Could it be? I'm not a big fan of pickles, but seeing as I was hungry and my options were limited, pickles had to do. So, with pickles, chips, and pistachios in tow, me and Ammon made our way to find a place to sit. It's times like this when Ammon is grateful that I'm a vegan and he's not. I gave him my pulled pork sandwich, so that he could have some extra "fuel" while we were there.

We chose a spot in the shea next to the white building to eat our meals. There was a female lab with a missing tale that came over to us to beg for food. I'm not a big fan of dogs. After many almost deadly encounters with numerous dogs as a child, I have developed an intense fear of dogs of any breed and size. Lucky for me, this dog was quite tame. Ammon fed the dog some of his tasty meat like treat to teach her some tricks. He was successful in teaching her how to sit. The dog almost figured out how to shake. By the time both of the pulled pork sandwiches were consumed, all was hope was lost for the poor dog.

After our meal, we made our way back to the white building to find out where I was supposed to be stationed. I was right next to the white building at the shea, so we stayed where we were for the most part. Nobody told Ammon what he was supposed to be doing, so he stayed to take some pictures of me, and of the other things that Eureka had to offer.

A few minutes after consumption of my "meal" my stomach started to ache. The combination of greasy chips, with salted pistachios, and briny pickles attacked my innards with a vengeance. My belly was giving me so much trouble that I contemplated leaving early before the race. Ammon wanted to get some video and pictures of me attacking the runners. I agreed for the two of us to stay for the first wave of runners.

I didn't look forward to getting up and moving about, but after I started to run after the first wave of runners my stomach started to feel better. Apparently, that's what my aching belly needed all along instead of sitting around. After a few waves, I started to really enjoy myself. I definitely gave Ammon and the other spectators a good laugh with my running around. I looked more comical than terrifying. As I would chase the runners, I tried to reach out for them without actually touching them, but it looks more like my arms were flaying around rather than actually reaching out trying to grab them. Below is a video of my comical performance.

 

Having a little too much fun here.

After a couple hours of this, I started to get tired. I knew that it would take a while to get all of the make-up and fake blood off my face and body, so the two of us agreed to leave before the end of the race. It was a good thing that we decided to leave early, because it took a long time to peel off the painful latex scars on my face, and to wash off all of the make-up. The fake blood seeped through my clothes and stuck to my skin. It hurt a little bit to peel the sticky clothes off my tired body. I washed up, brushed my teeth, and got ready for bed an hour later. I was exhausted, but it ended up to be a good day. I went to bed tired, but pleased.   

   

Spokane, Never-nudes, Hitchhikers, and Dance Moms

My best friend, Ammon and I had spent the past couple days driving to Spokane, Washington and back. We drove to Washington because his older brother, Ryan wanted to swap cars with their mother, because Ryan needed a car with better gas mileage.

It wasn't the most eventful of road trips. We still had fun though. Or at least I had fun napping half of the way to Spokane while Ammon chugged a coffee infused maca smoothie while yelling at the radio to keep himself awake.

We began our journey at 5 in the morning. By the time we woke up and hit the road, I stayed awake long enough to watch the sunrise before I nodded back to sleep.

I found it difficult to stay awake while we were driving through Idaho into Montana, partly because I didn't really have much of a breakfast, but mostly because southern Idaho has a heck of a whole lot of NOTHING to look at. There was one rest stop or two that had something interesting to look at. There was this one cool spot that had some interesting lava rock formations. It held my interest only for so long, since I was exhausted and it was really hot by the time we were walking around the trail to look at the lava rocks. I decided to get some energy in me by drinking some of the cocoa-maca smoothie that me and Ammon made to give us energy on our trip. The combination of maca, cocoa, banana, blueberries, dates, and chia seeds are so much better than any energy drink. I drank a little bit of my smoothie, and it woke me right up. Eventually, the vast nothingness of Idaho lulled me to sleep, and Ammon's making fun of crappy country songs by replacing the lyrics with things like, raping goats, making every other word Jesus, and flying horse poop, could keep me entertained only for so long. There's something about southern Idaho that sucks the life energy out of a person. It draws you in with its open road and promises of seeing buffalo, but in reality, it's a trap!!! Not only are there no buffalo, but they trick you into thinking that you saw a buffalo by tying down a fake buffalo with some wire in the middle of nowhere.

Montana had a bit more to look at, but not that much more. We saw a lot of hitchhikers driving there and on the way back home. I have never seen a hitchhiker in Utah, but there were sure a lot of them in Idaho and Montana. I wonder why that is. The most entertaining part of our drive through Montana was the never-nude we saw at a rest stop. I don't know how many of you readers are fans of the show Arrested Development. In the show, there's a character named Tobias who is afraid of being naked, so he wears cutoffs under his clothes so that he never has to be naked when he undresses. Well, I saw me one of them never-nudes at a rest stop in Montana, alrighty! There was this mighty fine specimen of the male variety wearing a pair of cutoff blue jeans. The never-nude and his buddies were going wading in a nearby creek. Among his friends was another nude of a particularly rare type, namely the super tight yellow bootie shorts type. Readers, this sort of never-nude is super duper rare! Seriously, his shorts were so tight that from a distance it appeared as though he were actually nude. Guys, this is major! The only reason a never-nude would wear something that would make him appear almost nude would be if he/she were a recovering never-nude, which has NEVER happened in the history of never-nudedom! This fella would be the first of his breed to make a breech of never-nudeness. Readers, keep him in your thoughts and prayers. There may be hope for this one. Then we can capture him and examine him of his rare condition and recovery process.

We crossed Montana and back into northern Idaho. As we were driving through the canyon, I was pleasantly surprised to see walls and walls of trees canvasing the canyon. It was gorgeous. Of the many things that I love in nature, I think I love trees the most. I love trees even more when there are so many of them that they make a huge wall of green and brown. It took my breath away being surrounded by so much beauty. The only thing that made it better was looking at the view while listening to Joshua James' album, The Sun is Always Brighter. 

We met up with Ammon's older brother, Ryan when we arrived in Washington and we followed him to his house. Ryan obviously needed this car. Without their mother's Honda, his family would go broke just from the drive to get to the top of the big fat hill he has to drive to get to his house! It took us what felt like an hour to drive from the bottom of the hill to the top where his house was at. It's no wonder why Ryan wanted to swap cars. And the car he drove had horrible gas mileage. It took up more gas to drive back to Utah in his car than with their mom's little Honda.

I was glad to get out of the car, until I saw my worst nightmare staring at me in the face. The evil beast that stood before me was a huge, monster, bear-like neighbor dog. It stared at me with it's hungry eyes, looking me over as its next tasty morsel. I was fortunate enough that Ryan scared the beast away. It didn't matter much whether that satanic thing stayed or went, because his family owned a similar, smaller beast. I went to the door and there was Satan's spawn running up to nip its devilish tiny teeth at my bones. Ryan put the devilish beast outside, although his kids kept bringing it inside for its regular torture sessions. I was exhausted. I wanted peace, but the giant devil dog was right at the window staring at me, thirsty for blood. Ammon and Ryan's kids taunted at my fear of the evil beast by teasingly almost allowing it to come inside. Ammon even went so far as to say that me and the hound from Hell were meant for each other by saying that the name on Satan's dog's collar said Shadow on it. For those of you who don't already know, Ammon's nickname for me is Shadow.

Me and Ammon were talking to Ryan when one of his daughters came to the living room to watch T.V. I don't know what kind of sick freaks are coming up with T.V. shows nowadays, but they're obviously sick and freaky enough to make shows like Dance Moms.For those of you readers who don't know what Dance Moms is, and are smart enough to not own a T.V. and just use Netflicks instead, Dance Moms is a horrible show about these evil dance teachers and the mothers of these little dancing girls, and the only thing that happens on the show is that the two rivaling dance teachers yell at and belittle each other, the dance moms, and their girls. That's seriously the only thing that happens on the show! Just yelling, and yelling, and more yelling. Ryan's daughter argued that she liked the dancing on the show, which isn't a very good argument, since only 1% of the show has any actual dancing on it. I honestly fear for the future of this country.

I spent the night in one of the girl's rooms and Ammon slept in one of the boy's rooms. I had a decent night's sleep. I woke up the next morning to the screams of Ryan's many children. Now, I am very grateful for Ryan and his wife taking us in to stay the night. I was glad to be there, and they have good kinds, but they were really loud in the morning. I tried to sleep though it, but they were so loud that it made it difficult to go back to sleep. I eventually got out of bed to join the rest of the family to breakfast. After eating breakfast and getting our things together, Ammon and I made our way back home to Utah. We wanted to spend time taking pictures in the back woods, but it  was raining that day, so that ruined any plans we made to drive around and take pictures of stuff. We stopped by Walmart to grab some munchies for the ride home. Note to self, never EVER buy peanuts at Walmart again. The bag of peanuts I bought was moldy and soggy. A tear went down my face as my heart began to break. The ride back home made up for it though. It was raining, but the drive back through the canyon was beautiful with the fog rolling through the trees. That was the only instance in my existence when the rain made me feel happy inside.    

A Little Rant from the Mind of an Introvert

There are some days when I really wish I weren't such an introverted little weirdo. I feel comfortable being by myself. I even enjoy being by myself most of the time. But sometimes the lonely monster rears its ugly head at me and demand that I get some human interaction, and dare I say, even human affection!

I have no problem making friends on a one on one basis. I'll meet someone at school or at a social event, and we'll hit it off just fine, until they try to include me in their group, then I pool inward because I don't know how to be social with more than one person at a time. Parties are the worst. I never ever go to parties without a really enticing incentive. This is what usually happens: I'll arrive to the party, snack on some muchies for ten minutes, engage in awkward conversation with the people I know, then I think to myself, "I hate everybody!" Then I go home when I can't take it anymore.

This makes making friends really difficult for me. I have one best friend named Ammon.

The guy with the camera is Ammon.

The main reason why we're besties is because he's pretty much me if I were born a guy. He understands how my introverted mind works, and he's one of the few people who appreciate my odd personality. He's also one of the few people in existence to have ever seen what I'm really like in my comfort zone. There are very few people out there who have ever seen how I'm really like, because it takes me a while to warm up to people and comfortably be who I really am. And it's a process you guys! It took me 3 full months for me to warm up to Ammon after we became friends. Usually I lose friends as I'm in the middle of warming up to them. What usually happens is that I'll try to get to know them, which involves a lot of awkward conversations that include questions of the job interview/dating variety. Then I'll try to go out of my way to spend more time with my new found friend so that I can speed up the warming up process to make this new person one of my besties. This stage in the new friend making process is the most anxiety and stress inducing experience I face on a day to day basis. I'll end up spending a lot of time with one person, then I'll begin to wonder if I'm smothering this person by spending too much time with them. I'll then try to put distance between me and this person to give them space. All my current friends out there, if it seems like I'm pushing you away, that is the opposite of what I'm doing, okay? I'm giving you space so that you won't push me away!!! Okay???

Trying to become friends with a guy is even more stress inducing because my intentions are usually misinterpreted. If I try to become really good friends with a guy, then what usually happens is that they think that I have a crush on them, and that makes things awkward. There are some guys who I have a really good connection with who I just don't want to date. If I meet a guy I like, but I'm not interested in him, then I'll still want to hang out with him. Even if I meet someone I'm interested in, but if he's not interested in me, or if it just doesn't work out, then I'll just get over it and want to hang out with the guy as though he were like any of my other friends.

 Guys, it's really not that weird for a girl to want to hang out with other guys without wanting to date them. It doesn't make me a lesbian either. I don't swing that way in the least bit. I like to date guys very, very much, okay? And there's nothing wrong with going out on a date with another girl as a friend without any intention to get serious. It's all about having positive human interaction. This is what I crave in life. I had a childhood not really having any friends until I was about in middle school/high school. I was constantly shot down by my family, and the other kids I went to elementary school with didn't want anything to do with me. Now, all I really want is to reach out and be close to people. The problem is that I don't really know how.

This isn't supposed to be a cry for help, or whatever. I just want others to have some sort of understanding of what is kind of going on in my noggin'. I don't know if any of you can relate to what I'm trying to say. I just hope that you readers out there can sort of see where I'm coming from as a frustrated introvert living in a world that places importance on extroverts. Thank you for reading this rant. 

Update From Last Year

 Hey Readers! It's been a year and a half since my last post. I know, I'm the totes worst blogger, friend, and human being in the history of the internets! Well, I'm back to redeem myself with a new blog post to update you strangers with the goings on with my life, and to check off a few things I wrote for my goals last year.

Here's my progress on my goals so far. Right now I'm working on getting an internship to work in Congressman Chaffetz' office. I have a lot of friends who have worked for him and they all say that he's great. I just interviewed to work in the Provo and the Washington DC office last week, so I'm crossing my fingers that I get one of those positions.

I still have yet to learn how to karate chop badgers. I have recently made a new friend who has serious nun-chuck skills. I'm hoping that he will teach me his ninja ways. I will update you readers later on my progress.

Last year, I really  got  into Muse after listening to every song they have ever written! I still have a massive crush on Matthew Bellamy, but a small piece of what's left of my sanity finally hit me one day and made me realize my goal to become Mrs. Matthew Bellamy will never become a reality. I cried into my pillow for several hours (more like several minutes... maybe) and cursed whatever sanity forced me to come to the realization that WHAT IF MATTHEW BELLAMY???? is no longer a good reason to go on living. I'll just scratch that one off the list.

I have so far been successful with my goal to not get crushed by mobs of people, not getting killed (I hope that one is obvious to you readers), raped, or pepper sprayed in my journeys. I have overcome my addiction to gjetost by adopting a vegan diet. Yes, I am now a vegan! I do have trouble staying away from non-veganly chocolate though. I was successful for a few months, until one day the red devil inside my belly reared its ugly head and demanded that I eat chocolate. I am still struggling to recover. I am so addicted to chocolate right now that I think there should be a CA (Chocoholics Anonymous) group. Hello, I'm Melanie, and I'm a chocoholic.

I'm still working on building my complete hipster wardrobe. I have acquired a flannel shirt. I need more though. I will update you on my progress later.

Now that I'm a vegan, I can cross becoming a sushi master chef off my list.

I have failed to grow at least another two inches. I fear that I am doomed to my short stature forever.
I have decided that being normal is highly overrated and that I should embrace my inner weirdo, because no matter how hard I try to be normal, people seem to deem me as unfit to walk amongst "normal" people. So, I'm just going to let my inner freak sing louder than all of the other freaks in the world. Then I shall conquer them with my legions of kittens and become their queen! Muahahahaha!

Last summer I had the exciting experience of fulfilling my lifelong dream of going to China. On my journey, I got to see a lot of really cool things.

                                                       

 I got to see Shanghai. 

I got to mingle with the locals and see a lot of interesting sites.

Some folks playing music at the park in Chuxiong.

Shanghai Yuyuan Garden

Freaky image at the Yuyuan Garden. I thought this was some poor sucker that was beheaded and hung to be made an example for people who rebelled against the authorities.

I even got to climb the Great Wall!!!

But the greatest reward from my China adventure were the friends I made.

My group leather tramping the trax.

My bestie, Jeremy enjoying playing on the swings.

 Taking pictures with the best tutors in the world!